Feeling Overwhelmed by Mess? Discover This Proven Decluttering Strategy

You walk into your living room and… it’s a disaster. Pillows are scattered across the couch, Lego pieces are everywhere, and crumbs from the kids’ snacks are scattered on the floor. The scene is chaotic. It’s not just untidy—it feels chaotic.

Now, take a moment to check in with yourself. What do you notice? What happens in your body when you see this? Do you feel a tightening in your chest? A quickening of your heart rate? Is your jaw clenched, and do you feel the urge to either dive into cleaning or shout at your kids to help out? Maybe you even feel like running away to escape the chaos.

This scene is a common trigger for many parents (or anyone living in a shared space), but here’s the key: It’s not actually the mess that’s the problem. The problem is how our body reacts to the mess. The clutter and disorder activate feelings of stress, frustration, or overwhelm—feelings that are often rooted in deeper emotional patterns. When we understand that our responses are about what’s happening inside of us, not just the messy room in front of us, we gain the power to choose how we respond instead of reacting automatically.

The Mess Is Not the Problem

You might be thinking, “Okay, semantics. Who cares? It’s the mess that’s stressing me out!” But here’s why this shift in perspective is so important: when we see that our reaction comes from within us, not from the mess itself, we can start to take control of how we handle it.

Here’s what happens: When we experience something external, like a messy living room, we often feel that our emotional response is justified. “Of course I’m stressed out! This place is a disaster!” But what if we pause for a moment and consider that our body is reacting based on past experiences, expectations, and emotional triggers, rather than the mess itself? This realization opens up the possibility for change. Rather than feeling helpless in the face of mess, we can respond with curiosity, explore our triggers, and build new habits of emotional regulation.

This might sound a bit abstract, but it’s actually a game changer. By recognizing that we don’t have to let the mess control our emotional state, we can respond thoughtfully instead of impulsively.

Why Messes Trigger Us

So, why do messes trigger us in the first place? It’s not because the room is messy (although it can be frustrating). It’s often about:

1. Perfectionism: If we grew up in a home where cleanliness was tied to worth or where order was highly valued, we may feel deep discomfort or even anxiety when things aren’t “just right.” A messy home might make us feel like we’re failing or that things are out of control.
2. Overwhelm: A cluttered space can make our mental state feel cluttered too. When our physical environment is chaotic, it can trigger feelings of being overwhelmed, which can then lead to stress and frustration.
3. Unmet Expectations: If you expected a peaceful, tidy space but walked into a mess, your brain can interpret that as a disappointment or a disruption. This can trigger emotional responses, especially if you were hoping for a break or some relaxation.
4. Lack of Control: Messes often feel like things are out of our control. In a busy household, it can feel like there’s always more to do, and a messy home can be a visual reminder of everything that needs to be fixed, which may feel too big to handle.

The Power of Response: What to Do Instead of Reacting

Now that we understand why messes trigger us, what can we do about it? The key is to shift from reacting to the mess in a knee-jerk way (like yelling or diving straight into cleaning) to responding thoughtfully with intention. Here’s a simple strategy to try next time you feel triggered by a mess:

1. Pause and Breathe: The first step is to pause. Before you do anything, take a few deep breaths. Acknowledge the feeling in your body (tight chest, clenched jaw, frustration) and just sit with it for a moment. This small act of slowing down creates space between the trigger (the mess) and your reaction (cleaning, yelling, or escaping).
2. Name the Feeling: Once you’ve paused, identify what you’re feeling. Are you frustrated? Overwhelmed? Anxious? Sometimes just putting a name to the emotion can reduce its intensity. Recognize that the mess is simply a trigger for those feelings, not the source of them.
3. Shift Your Focus: Instead of focusing on the mess itself, try shifting your focus to something else. Ask yourself, “What’s in my control right now? What’s one small thing I can do to make the situation better?” It might be as simple as picking up a few Legos or clearing a small space. This can help reduce the overwhelm and give you a sense of agency.
4. Set Intentional Boundaries: Sometimes the emotional response to a messy home is also connected to feeling like we have to fix everything right now. Try setting boundaries around when and how you clean. Decide to tackle it in manageable chunks, or even enlist help. A clean home is a process, not an instant result, and allowing yourself to take it in small steps can ease the pressure.
5. Reflect and Learn: After you’ve had time to manage your emotions, reflect on the experience. What triggered you? How did you respond? How can you apply this new awareness next time? This kind of reflection helps build emotional resilience over time.

Why It Gets Easier Over Time

The more you practice sitting with the emotional discomfort that arises in response to mess, the easier it becomes to manage in the future. You’ll find that over time, your responses become more mindful, and you’re less likely to react impulsively. It’s about building emotional muscle—the more you practice observing your feelings without immediately acting on them, the stronger you become at managing your emotions with calmness and intention.

This shift in perspective—seeing that the emotional response comes from inside—empowers us to take control of our reactions and practice emotional growth, rather than just trying to “fix” the mess in front of us. And guess what? The more we practice, the more we create a sense of peace inside ourselves, no matter what’s happening around us.